What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
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did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
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She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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