So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
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We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
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I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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