i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
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Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
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I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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