then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
