I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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