I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
