I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
porn star boner night. come get it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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