Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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