Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
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That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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