If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
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Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
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