nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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