I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
