I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.