Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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