Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
