I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
