The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
nutella sex= disaster
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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