& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
