Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience