I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
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She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
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I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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