my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive