Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.