My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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