I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
