If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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