Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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