I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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