That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
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I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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