She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
