new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
