Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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