So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
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We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
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Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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