If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
