Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Randomize
