I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
