Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?