I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.