if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.