Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
jump out the window naked night went bad
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
