Too much gin, very little bucket
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
