you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
