Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?