i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.