If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
