On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
