i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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