You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
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Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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