Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This is the high leading the old right now
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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