Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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