Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
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I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize