Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
