I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
