She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
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Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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