uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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